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Tony Martin

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Realtor Speak



Realtor Speak

You have all read the Public Remarks on Real Estate listings that sometimes belies the real truth of the properties.  Here are some examples of just a few:

Amazing Views -Interior shot.

Recently Renovated - Interior shot, but painted.

Great Curb Appeal - They painted the front.

Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarf's would have to find their own place. See also "Cute", "Enchanting", and "Good Starter Home".

Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates did have nice personalities. See also "Ready to Rehab" and "Fixer Upper"

Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse.

Daring Design - Still a warehouse.

Hi-Tech Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools.

Contemporary Feeling - House has no woodwork, needs cleaning. see also "Old World Charm".

Completely Updated - Avocado Dishwasher and Harvest Gold carpeting or vice versa.

Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See also "Architects Delight".

Architect Designed - As a homework project in House Design 101.

One-of-a-Kind - Ugly as sin.

One of a Kind - After this one, they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all.

Great Amenities - They replaced the 1970's fridge.

Exciting Opportunity - They Didn't replace the 1970's fridge.

Active Condo Association - Insanely high association fee.

Low Association Fee - Hello "special assessments!"

Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two story live oak in your 30 foot sky dome? See also "Makes dramatic Statement".

Breathtaking View - Can see and smell, rubbish dump from Living Room.

Artistically Decorated - Full of stuff you can't use.

Brand New Development - Live with construction dust for a couple more years.

Close to Lakes - Impossible to park from April to October.

Close to Health Centers - Wake up every now and then form the ambulance sirens.

Close to Nature - Property has no services.

Close to School - The lunch break din is deafening.

Convenient - Property has no services.

Motivated Seller - Property has been on the market for the past 5 years.

Motivated Seller - In foreclosure.

Cozy - No room larger than 9 ft by 6 ft.

Move in Condition - Front door missing from property.

Needs TLC - House has major  structural damage.

Lots of Parking - Lazy homeowner paved over front lawn.

For the Gardening Enthusiast - Grounds like jungle.

Established Garden - Weeds are well rooted.

Lots of Storage - Garage too small for car - store your boxes of crud here.

Compact - Tiny house.

Convenient - Property located next to highway on-ramp.

Deceptive Appearance - House looks terrible.

Delightful Rural Location - Property in flight path of a major airport.

Easily Maintained - Requires at least two gardeners and a live-in maid.

Family Home - Ugly, impractical and it has 3 more bedrooms than any other house in the neighborhood, so we hope the Waltons read this.

Farmhouse Charm - House with uneven floors.

Friendly Neighborhood - Neighbors tend to peep over the boundary fence.

Hip Neighborhood - A lot of kids.

Quiet Neighborhood - Compared to very busy street nearby.

Exciting Neighborhood - Alot of bad kids.

Fixer Upper - You don't want to know.

Great Neighborhood - Police sweeps recently completed.

Good Schools - IGNORE-everyone says this.

House with Personality - Haunted house.

Indigenous Plants - Haven't got around to gardening yet.

Landscaped - Grass grew over mound of old building sand.

Light Open Spaces - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

Local Entertainment Conveniently Close - Sex-workers hang around on the corner.

Lower Level Family Room - Ping pong table over sewer opening.

Market Ready - Owner feels he's covered everything up.

Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

Move-up House - Needs to be jacked up, sinking.

Much Sought After - Property has been on the market at least twice before, and although we got them to buy, no one wants to keep it.

Spacious - Average.

Charming - Small.

Comfortable - Very small.

Cozy - Very, very small.

Low Maintenance - No lawn.

Walk to Stores - Nowhere to park your car.

Pet Friendly - Reeks of cat pee.

Prestigious - Expensive.

Bright and Sunny - Venetian blinds and curtains not included.

Townhouse - Former Tenement.

Extensively Updated - House got electricity last year.

Modern - 30 to 40 years old.

Contemporary - At least 15 years old.

Sprawling Ranch - Inefficient floor plan.

Natural Setting - Forget about planting, the deer will eat everything.

Secluded Setting - Far away.

Executive Neighborhood - High taxes.

Near Houses of Worship - Fanatical denomination next door.

Park-like Setting - A tree on the block.

Unaffected Charm - Needs painting.

Starter Home - Run down.

Hurry! Wont' Last - About to Collapse

And Much, Much More - Nothing else comes to mind.

Neutral Decor - Property has no murals of nudes, or Elvis but has brown walls.

North Facing - Couldn't find anything special about thsi property.

All Offers Accepted - Owner knows his price is too high.

Outstanding - House painted yellow and purple, sticks out like a sore thunb.

Old World Charm -Has some woodwork, needs cleaining.

Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

Owner Eager to Sell - If the house goes within a week, the spackling will still be covering the cracks.

Partial Central Heating - The room above the boiler can get warn in the summer.

Peaceful Town - One-horse town.

Period Residence - House built in the last two years.

Period Fireplace - Fire Hazard.

Quiet, Secluded Setting - On site of proposed informal settlement.

Rare Opportunity to Buy - No one else wants this property.

Ready for your Updates - Beat up.

Well Loved - Beat up to hell.

Renovated - Patent defects nicely covered up.

Retirement Home - You need to have saved for a very long time to buy here.

Room to Extend - Owner know the house is too small.

Rural Cottage - House too small for agricultural tenants.

Water-view - If you stand on a bar stool in the spare bedroom.

Secluded - See Close to Nature.

Security System - Neighbor has a dog.

Secure Location - Head of organized crime syndicate lives next door.

Select Neighborhood - House beside sewage works.

Sold - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Sophisticated City Living - House next to a noisy bar.

Starter Home - Not exactly finished, but started.

Striking Facades - House is so ugly, you cant' top staring.

Student House - Normal people wouldn't live there.

Swimming Pool - Owner demolished the windpump at last.

Tastefully Decorated - Kids had food fight a number of years ago, and it proved too difficult to clean.

Unspoiled - Planning permission granted for development of the field next door.

Unusual Features - No roof.

Unusual Location - House in path of a planned roundabout.

Unusual Kitchen  - Laid new linoleum.

Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.

Useful Outbuildings - No inside toilet.

Walking Distance from Beach - You will be parked in every weekend.

Water Features - Geyser bursts each winter.

Wealth of Period Features - Outside plumbing, dry rot, rising damp and electrical circuitry best operated in rubber gloves and boots.

Weather Cracks - Wind howls through house in winter.

Weekend Country Getaway - No one can stay here longer than a weekend at a time.

Well Situated - In full view of neighbors in the flats next door.

Wide Open Floor Plan - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.

Within Easy Distance of Local Amenities - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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