You have all read the Public Remarks on Real Estate listings that sometimes belies the real truth of the properties. Here are some examples of just a few:
Amazing Views -Interior shot.
Recently Renovated - Interior shot, but painted.
Great Curb Appeal - They painted the front.
Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarf's would have to find their own place. See also "Cute", "Enchanting", and "Good Starter Home".
Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates did have nice personalities. See also "Ready to Rehab" and "Fixer Upper"
Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse.
Daring Design - Still a warehouse.
Hi-Tech Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools.
Contemporary Feeling - House has no woodwork, needs cleaning. see also "Old World Charm".
Completely Updated - Avocado Dishwasher and Harvest Gold carpeting or vice versa.
Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See also "Architects Delight".
Architect Designed - As a homework project in House Design 101.
One-of-a-Kind - Ugly as sin.
One of a Kind - After this one, they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all.
Great Amenities - They replaced the 1970's fridge.
Exciting Opportunity - They Didn't replace the 1970's fridge.
Active Condo Association - Insanely high association fee.
Low Association Fee - Hello "special assessments!"
Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two story live oak in your 30 foot sky dome? See also "Makes dramatic Statement".
Breathtaking View - Can see and smell, rubbish dump from Living Room.
Artistically Decorated - Full of stuff you can't use.
Brand New Development - Live with construction dust for a couple more years.
Close to Lakes - Impossible to park from April to October.
Close to Health Centers - Wake up every now and then form the ambulance sirens.
Close to Nature - Property has no services.
Close to School - The lunch break din is deafening.
Convenient - Property has no services.
Motivated Seller - Property has been on the market for the past 5 years.
Motivated Seller - In foreclosure.
Cozy - No room larger than 9 ft by 6 ft.
Move in Condition - Front door missing from property.
Needs TLC - House has major structural damage.
Lots of Parking - Lazy homeowner paved over front lawn.
For the Gardening Enthusiast - Grounds like jungle.
Established Garden - Weeds are well rooted.
Lots of Storage - Garage too small for car - store your boxes of crud here.
Compact - Tiny house.
Convenient - Property located next to highway on-ramp.
Deceptive Appearance - House looks terrible.
Delightful Rural Location - Property in flight path of a major airport.
Easily Maintained - Requires at least two gardeners and a live-in maid.
Family Home - Ugly, impractical and it has 3 more bedrooms than any other house in the neighborhood, so we hope the Waltons read this.
Farmhouse Charm - House with uneven floors.
Friendly Neighborhood - Neighbors tend to peep over the boundary fence.
Hip Neighborhood - A lot of kids.
Quiet Neighborhood - Compared to very busy street nearby.
Exciting Neighborhood - Alot of bad kids.
Fixer Upper - You don't want to know.
Great Neighborhood - Police sweeps recently completed.
Good Schools - IGNORE-everyone says this.
House with Personality - Haunted house.
Indigenous Plants - Haven't got around to gardening yet.
Landscaped - Grass grew over mound of old building sand.
Light Open Spaces - Many holes in walls and ceiling.
Local Entertainment Conveniently Close - Sex-workers hang around on the corner.
Lower Level Family Room - Ping pong table over sewer opening.
Market Ready - Owner feels he's covered everything up.
Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
Move-up House - Needs to be jacked up, sinking.
Much Sought After - Property has been on the market at least twice before, and although we got them to buy, no one wants to keep it.
Spacious - Average.
Charming - Small.
Comfortable - Very small.
Cozy - Very, very small.
Low Maintenance - No lawn.
Walk to Stores - Nowhere to park your car.
Pet Friendly - Reeks of cat pee.
Prestigious - Expensive.
Bright and Sunny - Venetian blinds and curtains not included.
Townhouse - Former Tenement.
Extensively Updated - House got electricity last year.
Modern - 30 to 40 years old.
Contemporary - At least 15 years old.
Sprawling Ranch - Inefficient floor plan.
Natural Setting - Forget about planting, the deer will eat everything.
Secluded Setting - Far away.
Executive Neighborhood - High taxes.
Near Houses of Worship - Fanatical denomination next door.
Park-like Setting - A tree on the block.
Unaffected Charm - Needs painting.
Starter Home - Run down.
Hurry! Wont' Last - About to Collapse
And Much, Much More - Nothing else comes to mind.
Neutral Decor - Property has no murals of nudes, or Elvis but has brown walls.
North Facing - Couldn't find anything special about thsi property.
All Offers Accepted - Owner knows his price is too high.
Outstanding - House painted yellow and purple, sticks out like a sore thunb.
Old World Charm -Has some woodwork, needs cleaining.
Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
Owner Eager to Sell - If the house goes within a week, the spackling will still be covering the cracks.
Partial Central Heating - The room above the boiler can get warn in the summer.
Peaceful Town - One-horse town.
Period Residence - House built in the last two years.
Period Fireplace - Fire Hazard.
Quiet, Secluded Setting - On site of proposed informal settlement.
Rare Opportunity to Buy - No one else wants this property.
Ready for your Updates - Beat up.
Well Loved - Beat up to hell.
Renovated - Patent defects nicely covered up.
Retirement Home - You need to have saved for a very long time to buy here.
Room to Extend - Owner know the house is too small.
Rural Cottage - House too small for agricultural tenants.
Water-view - If you stand on a bar stool in the spare bedroom.
Secluded - See Close to Nature.
Security System - Neighbor has a dog.
Secure Location - Head of organized crime syndicate lives next door.
Select Neighborhood - House beside sewage works.
Sold - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.
Sophisticated City Living - House next to a noisy bar.
Starter Home - Not exactly finished, but started.
Striking Facades - House is so ugly, you cant' top staring.
Student House - Normal people wouldn't live there.
Swimming Pool - Owner demolished the windpump at last.
Tastefully Decorated - Kids had food fight a number of years ago, and it proved too difficult to clean.
Unspoiled - Planning permission granted for development of the field next door.
Unusual Features - No roof.
Unusual Location - House in path of a planned roundabout.
Unusual Kitchen - Laid new linoleum.
Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
Useful Outbuildings - No inside toilet.
Walking Distance from Beach - You will be parked in every weekend.
Water Features - Geyser bursts each winter.
Wealth of Period Features - Outside plumbing, dry rot, rising damp and electrical circuitry best operated in rubber gloves and boots.
Weather Cracks - Wind howls through house in winter.
Weekend Country Getaway - No one can stay here longer than a weekend at a time.
Well Situated - In full view of neighbors in the flats next door.
Wide Open Floor Plan - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.
Within Easy Distance of Local Amenities - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop.
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